The most powerful man in the world couldn’t sleep.
Marcus Aurelius – Roman Emperor, commander of the greatest army on Earth, ruler of an empire spanning three continents.
And at 3 AM, between battles, between the weight of decisions that would affect millions, between the performance of being the Philosopher King – he was awake.
Writing in his journal. Wrestling with the same anxiety you’re wrestling with right now.
What Keeps Emperors Awake
Here’s what people don’t tell you about Meditations – the most famous Stoic text ever written:
It wasn’t written for you. It was written TO himself.
These weren’t polished philosophical essays. They were 3 AM journal entries from a man trying to talk himself off the ledge.
“You have power over your mind – not outside events. Realize this, and you will find strength.”
That’s not wisdom spoken from a throne. That’s a reminder written by a man who was losing his grip on the illusion of control.
Because here’s what Marcus knew that his subjects didn’t:
Being emperor doesn’t cure anxiety. It just gives you more impressive things to be anxious about.
The Real Problem (It’s Not What You Think)
You think your anxiety is about the thing you’re anxious about.
The deadline. The relationship. The bank account. The decision you have to make. The thing you said that you can’t take back.
But Marcus figured out the truth at 3 AM:
Your anxiety isn’t about the thing. It’s about your relationship to uncertainty.
You can’t control:
- Whether people will like you
- Whether your plans will work out
- Whether you’ll succeed or fail
- Whether people will stay or leave
- Whether life will be fair
And you’re exhausting yourself trying to control the uncontrollable.
Marcus ran an empire and still couldn’t control whether Rome would survive him (it didn’t, not really). He couldn’t control whether his son would be a good emperor (he wasn’t). He couldn’t control whether he’d die of plague on a battlefield (he did).
So what did he control?
The Only Thing You Can Actually Control
Marcus wrote it over and over in his journal, like a man trying to convince himself:
“You always own the option of having no opinion.”
“If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself, but to your estimate of it; and this you have the power to revoke at any moment.”
“Choose not to be harmed — and you won’t feel harmed. Don’t feel harmed — and you haven’t been.”
At first, this sounds like toxic positivity. Like “just think positive!” Like the universe-is-conspiring-for-you nonsense that makes you want to throw your phone.
But it’s not that.
Marcus isn’t saying “nothing bad happens.”
He’s saying “you control how you meet what happens.”
The 3 AM Choice
Here’s the practical part. The part you can use tonight.
When anxiety hits at 3 AM, you have three options:
Option 1: Fight the anxiety
Try to think your way out of it. Control the uncontrollable. Plan for every scenario. Replay conversations. Rehearse what you’ll say. Imagine outcomes. Spin in the loop.
Result: More anxiety. Because you’re trying to control what can’t be controlled.
Option 2: Numb the anxiety
Scroll. Eat. Drink. Netflix. Anything to avoid feeling what you’re feeling.
Result: The anxiety waits. It always waits. It’ll be there in the morning, plus shame about whatever you used to numb it.
Option 3: Meet the anxiety like Marcus
This is the Stoic way. And it’s harder than it sounds, but it actually works.
Here’s how:
1. Name what you can’t control
Write it down. Right now. Everything you’re trying to control that you actually can’t.
I can’t control whether they’ll say yes.
I can’t control whether I’ll succeed.
I can’t control whether this will work out.
I can’t control what they think of me.
2. Name what you CAN control
This is shorter than you think. Marcus would say you control exactly two things:
- Your judgment about what happens
- Your response to what happens
That’s it. That’s the list.
3. Choose your response RIGHT NOW
Not to the thing you’re anxious about. To the anxiety itself.
Marcus would ask: “What does this anxiety want to teach me?”
Maybe it’s teaching you that you’re over-attached to an outcome.
Maybe it’s showing you that you’re trying to control someone else’s choices.
Maybe it’s revealing that you’ve been avoiding a truth you need to face.
4. Do the next right thing
Marcus didn’t sit in his tent catastrophizing. He wrote. He made decisions with the information he had. He did his duty. He went back to sleep (eventually).
Not because the problems were solved. Because he’d done what was his to do.
What Marcus Would Tell You Right Now
If the emperor who commanded legions, governed an empire, and held the lives of millions in his hands could write this at 3 AM:
“Confine yourself to the present.”
Then maybe you can too.
Your anxiety wants you to live in:
- The future (catastrophizing what might happen)
- The past (replaying what already happened)
- The hypothetical (imagining scenarios that will never exist)
Marcus keeps dragging you back: “Confine yourself to the present.”
Not forever. Just for now.
The Test That Proves It Works
Marcus wrote his Meditations while:
- Fighting a war on the Germanic frontier
- Dealing with a plague that killed millions
- Managing betrayal from his own generals
- Raising a son who would become one of Rome’s worst emperors
- Dying slowly of illness far from home
And his philosophy didn’t just survive those conditions – it was forged IN those conditions.
Stoicism isn’t for people whose lives are easy. It’s for people whose lives are hard and who choose to meet that hardness with dignity.
That’s you at 3 AM. That’s Marcus at 3 AM. Same struggle, different empire.
The Morning After
Marcus would get up before dawn. Do his duty. Lead his legions. Make impossible decisions with incomplete information.
Not because he wasn’t anxious. Because he refused to let anxiety control what he controlled: his response.
You’ll get up too. You’ll face the thing. You’ll do what’s yours to do.
Not because the anxiety is gone.
Because you’re choosing what Marcus chose:
To be disturbed by what happens, or to meet it with strength. Your call.
For Tonight
Before you try to sleep, write this where you can see it:
“You have power over your mind – not outside events.”
It didn’t cure Marcus’s anxiety. But it gave him something better than a cure:
A way to meet it.
That’s all you need at 3 AM. Not answers. Just a way to meet what is.
The impediment to action advances action. What stands in the way becomes the way.
—N.